(mba = might be awful)
I taught myself scientific notation in 6th grade and thought, wow, I must be really good at math. So naturally, I helped start a math club and ran for president (unopposed). I won. The following year, I ran again. I lost.
No one saw it coming.
Now, I don’t think that is my villain origin story—but it’s definitely an honorable mention. I’ll explore other aspects of my villain origin story in the future, I’m sure. I think my evolution into villainy (or feeling like one) is directly correlated with the number of times I’ve circled the sun. The older I get, the more I start wondering:
Why is the bad guy the bad guy? Sometimes…they make good points. They ask uncomfortable questions. They challenge the status quo—isn’t that supposed to be noble?
I’m still trying to be a force for good in this world. I promise. I’m not out here plotting to take Gotham. But I do find myself softening when I read books or watch movies that show multiple perspectives. I start to sort of see where the villain is coming from. I’m not trying to cite examples. I’m not here to persuade you. I’m just noticing the shift.
…though if I were persuading you, that would be kind of interesting right? You know what’s really good at persuading me? Documentaries. They are really good at what they set out to do. I think that type of persuasion falls more on the “advocacy” side of the spectrum.
Persuasion is everywhere. Life is basically just negotiations, compromise, and the refusal to fold laundry. Persuasion itself can be a tool for good or evil. It can become coercion (evil), or it can become advocacy (good). This binary satisfies my inner need to see the world in black and white, and I will not be examining that further (jokes, I’m definitely examining this further).
Anyway, I’m working on my MBA (speaking of villainy). Can you believe that bullshit? Out of all the degrees I considered over the last ten years—law school, psych, counseling, nursing—I chose business. Who am I?! There are days I look at myself and think: Bro, do you hate yourself? You doubled your debt and it’s not even for something you’re passionate about. It’s an MBA. Why did I do this? Honestly, I think I know why. My mentor warned me not to make any big decisions for at least two years after getting divorced (surprise, I’m divorced).
Guess when I applied to business school lol? I started my program about 3 months later lolllllll.
Old me really did new me dirty with that one. That decision wasn’t exactly aligned with my values, interests, or skill set. I really have no idea who that woman was that was calling the shots. So scary she got to make such big decisions and now I’m the one who has to live with the consequences. And the homework. A true villain.
I think hoped I would use this degree to build something that might be vaguely helpful to the people I care about, myself, and maybe even society? Somehow?? Like if I know how to operate a business, I can operate an ethical business. But the cute part is I have no business ideas that I’m willing to pursue. I’ve started businesses (many times) and I’ve gotten exactly zero of them off the ground. I’m not an entrepreneur. I’m not an analyst. I’m an advocate. I know that. This wasn’t the right move for me and I regret it, but I get what persuaded me toward an MBA.
It’s confusing to answer to. I’ve had a toxic relationship with “business” for a while. Business often leans toward coercion, so when I found myself working in sales (yikes), I was immediately conflicted. I didn’t go into sales because I liked it, I just really needed a job. I moved to a new city with someone and my old industry wouldn’t take me back once I left it. Sales will always seek out desperate people to employee (um…big thoughts on this, will need to unpack at another time).
And while I was good at it—it made me feel gross. I tried to justify it. I told myself I was helping people. That I had their best interests at heart. And maybe I did. But I was still getting paid to convince them of something.
So…did I really have their best interests at heart?
I want to say yes—yes, I had their best interests at heart. People deserve to be compensated for their labor. But I still feel uneasy about my time in sales. When the economy slowed and the coaching from leadership turned aggressive—manipulative, even—the mask slipped. What I once convinced myself could feel like advocacy (if I reached far enough) started to feel like coercion. And that’s when the job stopped feeling like a job and started feeling like a betrayal—of them, and of me. I left. If I’d stayed, my financial situation would be a lot more stable. Life might even look “better” on the outside. But inside? I think I’d be unrecognizable to myself. There’s something quietly redemptive about walking away from a version of you that’s good at something you no longer believe in.
It sucks to feel like a villain. But villains are complex because they are human, and they have the ability to pursue redemption. Maybe, if given the chance, they’ll channel their villainry into community service or instead of doing some crime. Or convincing you to separate from your money in exchange for this thing you really don’t need. I think I hoped getting an MBA would allow me to merge my business experience with my value system, and potentially make a difference as an “intra”preneur. I really wish I had saved my money though, and just went to nursing school or started a counseling program.
I don’t think an MBA is going to be part of my redemption arc.
Who am I going to help with this degree?
Also, am I trying to buy my redemption?
God. What a capitalist move. The villain arc continues.
<3 hs