I took my anti-depressant. I took my ADHD meds. I had some caffeine. And for the first time in a while, I feel like… almost a whole person. So I’m trying to take advantage of the moment. Catch the wave and maybe, just maybe, shift something in my life.
Last night, I asked a best friend if where I’m at right now — at my big age — is pathetic. She said “No…” The way she drew it out, the little lift in her voice at the end, omg. I held my breath, waiting for what came next
“Pathetic is like… worse than sad. You’re not sad. You’re vibing. You’re nomadic. In the flow.
I said, “Homeless adjacent.”
She laughed.
I’ve been a mess.
Last year, I manifested something big — but I wasn’t specific enough (classic mistake). I made a plan, kind of. Moved across the country with someone I barely knew. I told myself it made sense. I told myself I’d be okay. And for a minute, I was. The first two weeks? Bliss. No anxiety. No depression. Just this unexpected peace. Like something heavy had been lifted off me.
But it didn’t last.
As work shifted, so did my sense of safety. And since then… I’ve been floating. Untethered, no anchor. Still in survival mode when I swore I was moving here to thrive.
But I’m trying to shift. To get back into my body, into my life. Here’s the beginning of a new plan — not for perfection, but just for movement.
A soft reboot:
- No more bingeing TV — or at least limit it to once a week. (Honestly, I’ve already started cutting back, but I want it in writing. Just to see it. It’s a win after all, and I want to celebrate those per a recent diary entry.)
- Read more. I’ve been flying through fiction, which has been nourishing in its own way. But I want to mix it up — bring back the self-help, the creative non-fiction, the stuff that lights up different parts of me.
- Figure out what I’m actually good at. I’ve been in a low-key panic since I was 9 years old about what and who I want to be when I grow up. And now that I’m here — grown — I still don’t know. That’s… kind of wild, right? I have too many interests. It’s time to start whittling.
- Move my body — gently. Not for weight loss. Not for punishment. But to get the stuck feelings out. To remind myself I have a body, and it can carry me through things. Stretching, walking, dancing in the kitchen — it all counts.
- Eat things that make me feel good. Not perfect. Not clean. Just… good. Nourished. Alive.
- Rest, intentionally. Not scrolling-into-oblivion rest. Not crash-from-burnout rest. Actual rest. Like, “let me go sit on the porch and do nothing” rest. Cozy blanket, deep breath, no guilt kind of rest.
- Talk to people who see me. Not just the convenient ones. The ones who remind me who I am when I forget.
- Be honest with myself. I have the self-awareness but those damn defense-mechanisms do a great job hiding the truth to protect my heart.
I’ve been journaling (clearly), but how do I accomplish this cute little reboot which is a soft-launch to my total life rebrand? Um….I’ll get back to you on that.
<3 hs